The Happy Mortician

They call me the Happy Mortician,
For that is what I am.
I've seen bodies of all kinds,
Infant to senior, woman and man.
Ironically enough, it is my life
To ready and prepare the dead.
It is my job to fix them up,
And compound them toe to head.
Being an undertaker
Has positive and negative ends:
I don't have to worry about gossip,
For the corpses are my only friends.
"Don't worry," I say to the dead,
"I'll fix you up so your family can mourn.
I'll make sure you look your best,
So your loved ones don't feel forlorn."
In my profession, I've seen things
People should never see.
I am the Happy Mortician,
That's all I'll ever be.

(quote)MY WEEK CONSENSED(unquote)

Once more, to appease your never ending quest to know about my personal life, or if I just flat out amuse you, I give you, "MY WEEK CONDENSED". Enjoy.

Monday (2/2), my friend and I got the munchies and NEEDED Jack-In-The-Crack like never before! We thought it would be lame to take the freeway from Placerville, (after all, whats the fun in going 80 miles an hour on the freeway when you could go the same speed on a wavy road?) so we took Forni. All of the sudden (the following takes place in a matter of seconds): WHAM!!! Something hit the window! We both screamed! She hit the breaks! I am thrown forward! I get whip-lash from the damn seatbelt! The water in the cup that I had in my hands at the time is flung all over the passengers side of the car! The car comes to a screeching stop. We go back to see what the hell just happened, and if there was anything we could do about it. We get out of the car, and low and behold, there is a conscious, yet disorientated, 6 inch owl standing on the side of the road. This was was a first for both of us, and we just felt terrible. Long story short, we got a hold of a lady that worked for Sierra Wildlife Rescue, and she is currently treating it for shock and trauma. She told us that screech owls were widely known for diving into oncoming traffic, because they want to catch the moths they see in the headlights. She invited us to go with her when she releases it back into the wild.

Tuesday, (2/3) was the 24th birthday of a good friend of mine and the girl I got the munchies with. We decided that we were going to take him and another friend out to Jamba Juice and to Red Hawk for some games. After about 20 minutes of luckless gambling, we decided to go to the children's arcade. I believe no one should ever be too old for arcade games, and trust me, it was defiantly money better spent.

Wednesday (2/4), nothing much. The most exciting thing that happened to me was seeing some of my friends (ok, one of them was a friend, the other, well, I tolerate her existence) dressed up as twacked-out Wizard Of Oz characters running around campus asking, "has anyone seen Toto?" That was interesting...

Thursday (2/5), nadda worth filling your time with. Same with Friday. Sorry.

(quote)MY WEEKEND(unquote)

NOTE: Before you read this, keep in mind that I have a huge migraine and am feeling rather groggy, therefore what you are about to read will most likely have no relevance to anything worth your time. Thanks for reading anyways (we sure do love those extra credit points, don't we?).

Peeps have been sending me notes saying that I should write about myself, not irrelevant topics. So to appease your mighty will to learn the ways of the Amber, I give you: "MY WEEKEND."

Yeah, last weekend was pretty bomb. Friday (1/30) I went to "Art Night" at the Ridgeview Manor. Art Night is basically a gathering of overly creative people, ranging from 17 years of age to mid 60's who drink wine, smoke the finer things, and have nothing better to do than socialize, and paint random disregarded objects found around the 'ville. (No, we don't go around doing graffiti.)

Saturday night (1/31) I was lucky enough to catch my favorite band, Chasing Truth, for one last show before they flew out to tour in England for 8 months. The concert was amazing and the drummer even walked straight up to me afterwards and asked to shake my hand because he had recognized me from many of their previous shows and because I knew all of the lyrics. What can I say? I'm a loyal fan, and going to a metal core concert is just such a good way to alleviate stress.

Sunday (2/1), I went to a Super Bowl kick-back. The game was riveting! I don't really follow football other than what I catch of what my friends or uncles say regarding the subject, but when it comes to the big day, it's only American to take part in it somehow.

Well, there ya go. Agree or disagree? Thoughts? Questions?

45 Seconds

There they were. She had just poured out her heart and soul, and now she was defenseless. She had never done that before, and in the back of her mind, she was wondering why on God’s green Earth she had suddenly stooped so low. She wondered why he was different, why she fell for him when she fell for no one else. She repetitively told herself she wasn’t in love with him, but the pain told her otherwise.

There they were. He had just listened to her say what he knew he could never say to her. No one had ever told him that before, and in the back of his mind, he was wondering why the Hell he had led this poor girl on so long. He wondered what made him so special, why she wanted him more than anyone else. He repetitively told her that it was complicated, that it wouldn’t work, but she just wouldn’t comply.

Neither of them spoke. All she wanted was him to say, “Yes.” To make everything all better. She was waiting for him to smile – a sign that (to her) meant that everything was going to be alright.

Neither of them spoke. He didn’t quite know what to say. He didn’t want to hurt her. He could see that she was tearing up – a sign that (to him) meant that this would hurt her more than him.

He nodded. She was overflowing with delight. She couldn’t stop the tears from coming. Once more, she felt hope.

He nodded. He was overwhelmed with remorse. He saw her cry. He felt her false relief. Once more, he felt regret.

She held him tightly. She knew that things would be okay. She felt a strong passion for him surge through her body. She had never cared so much about anyone before. She felt his arms embracing her. She was happy.

She held him tightly. He knew that things would never be the same. He felt terrible for once again giving her false hope. He had no clue how much she cared about him. He didn’t know what to do but hug her. He was sorry.

Ed Gein

the neighborhood children
think i'm scary.
i look through the newspaper
for women's obituaries.
i dig them up
and harvest their skin.
you wonder what kind
of psychosis i'm in?
i make clothing of them
and lampshades and such.
you think this is bad?
theres more. much.
i've murdered two women -
decapitated one.
did i do it all for mother,
or did i just do it for fun?
the woman i decapitated -
well, i also removed her heart.
then i ate some of her,
but only a small part.
mother died of cancer,
but she still talks to me.
they say i just hear voices.
they say that i'm crazy.
in every room of my house
you'll find death shrines.
except for mothers,
her room is perfectly fine.
my shrines to death are
ten skulls wrapped in mesh,
and nine faces on the wall,
made of human flesh.
they've made movies about me, like
Scilence of the Lambs and Psyco.
can you guess who i am?
i'm sure you know.
some call me evil.
some call me mean.
you may call me:
Edward Gein.